i was zipping my hot chocolate while i was sitting in front of my computer and thinking what to do when suddenly this question popped up in my mind -- why i can't measure up. Things i do, things i could not finish that circles in my interest and the things that i can pride off. Things that springs my personality and lifestyle, things i cannot measure up. It’s been awhile now since i hear myself crying from the obstacles. i feel like i am defeated. Frustrations and bitterness ponders me. it covers and now i am bearing all the pain life has given me. I’m wearing my mask -- the so called smile / happy face that will cover your true feelings and it is working for me. Pretensions is not the main idea but i don't want to be a loser -- although i think i am; trying to secure myself from being rejected and afraid to hear criticism out of my innocence.

Relationship - i did everything to save it, I stay even i have given enough and tired of hearing lame excuses. i gave so much, and has left none. i told myself to say goodbye to my old self. Mind matters so i followed my instinct but why i am feeling guilty? why i can't just blow it up and tell it to his face it is over? I don’t know what is wrong with me.. I feel like a defeated perfectionist.

Work? My worst experience! Back when I was starting, my boss used to criticize my work and even I if I am done and hand it to him before the dealine, he'll say not this not that, you need this you need that and it is really annoying. but i got used to it and just when i realized that he is a gay (oh, um 50% gay n 50% guy? -- silahis eh?)

studies - can't finish studying...... for some personal reasons. and i can't imagine why this happened.

whenever i think about these things? in any other way it's just giving me a crap and i don't want to curse - nah ... never mind. sometimes, when things go wrong i know what should i do but time and chances really putting me in horrible situations and just can't bear it all.. i am weak, wicked and devastated (feeling...) and i simply can't win to this... God's plan.
Destiny really put you where you belong.. and where you should stand - alone.